Nonphenomenal Lineage

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Kingdom: Animalia/Phylum: Chordata/Class: Mammalia/Order: Chiroptera

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This one is old, but it’s for my family and friends who have not yet had the chance to read this:

some people have a roach problem, some people have a mouse problem, some people have a termite problem.

me: i have a bat problem.

yes, there is a bat living in my house, and i don’t know what to do. i first noticed something was amiss the other night when ariana and i were having dinner. we were sitting at the dining room table, eating chicken stir fry when suddenly, i noticed something in my peripheral vision that looked like a tiny fuzzy tumbleweed careening through the air. it whizzed by, and, i thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but ariana said

“what the hell was that?”
“i don’t know!” i said.
“was it a mouse?” she said.
“i suppose” i said, trying to convince my mind that it hadn’t been flying.

we got up, and walked toward the direction it had gone, which was behind the radiator. it wasn’t there.
hm. it had just disappeared. we thought maybe it had crawled into some hole in the wall where the radiator was attached. we decided to put up a mouse trap and then we both kind of forgot about it.

until the next night, when ariana squealed and then called out to me:

“sarah…there is a bat in the shower”

immediately thinking she was kidding…(but why would she be?) i smiled and got up to go look.

i couldn’t believe it. there, in the bathtub, was a tiny little mouse with wings. it wasn’t flying, and seemed to be content sniffing the water droplets on the basin of the tub. it was actually pretty cute. we stared at it a minute, trying to decide what to do.

“can we keep it?” i asked her.
“yeah, we should!”
“what shall we name it?”
“dracula”

and then, with a sudden, rapid movement, it began crawling towards the edge of the tub.

“okay,” i said, “we’ve got to get it the hell out of here RIGHT NOW.”

we were a little freaked out, and rather than take the chance of it flying into our faces while we decided what to do, we backed out of the bathroom and closed the door.

“i’ll get a shoe box,” i offered.
“ok, that’s good.”
“then we can just dump it outside”
“yeah”

i went to get a shoe box, and when i had returned, we opened the bathroom door again, only to find that the bat was no longer in the tub.

now, you see, bats present problems on a whole new dimension, seeing as they can fly, unlike other pests, which can only scurry. it could have been anywhere in the bathroom. i shoved ariana inside the bathroom to look for it, as i got the box ready. she found it on the outside edge of the tub, as it was awkwardly making its way towards the toilet.

“ok, ok, get the box ready”
“but it’s on the corner of the tub!” i wailed. “i’m not going to touch it, and it’s not going to just go quietly into the box! make it get onto the floor, out in the open, where i can trap it easier.”

but, she dared not reach a hand out towards it, lest it freak out and take flight. so, we just watched, totally helpless and in horror, as it crept to a small, out-of-reach nook behind the toilet.

not knowing what to do, we thought that maybe if we left it alone for a while, it would crawl back into the tub where we could trap it. we left it alone for five or so minutes, and then we went back into look for it. at this point, it could have been anywhere in the bathroom. on the walls, in the sink, under the sink, in the shower…

we cautiously looked around for it, but it seemed to be…Nowhere.

*poof*

gone.

hmmmm…

we figured that it had crawled back into the hole that attaches the toilet plumbing to the wall.
great.
it was gone. nothing we could do.

needless to say, i have been terrified to pee since.

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Written by pocheco

March 8, 2006 at 4:41 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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