Nonphenomenal Lineage

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On forgetting…

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WARNING: The next few paragraphs are self-absorbed, and probably boring to everyone but me. I’m just working this all out into words with the hope that if I write this all out it will start to make sense…

Well, I suppose it’s weak of me to feel this way, and lame for me to be blogging about it, but, 9 months after I have broken up with my boyfriend, I still miss him.

They say breaking up is hard to do, but that song never explains quite how hard it is. Perhaps it’s my own fault; I haven’t tried to actively start dating someone else, and I have chosen to remain friends with him so I still talk to him on a semi-regular basis. Those factors are not helping the healing process.

We were hanging out for a while after we broke up, but we don’t do that anymore because he’s moved back to Oklahoma. Perhaps this is a good thing. There are people who are fine and happy being friends with their exes while maintaining a platonic relationship, but that does not come easy to me, I have had to fight for it. Given a bit more time or another love interest, perhaps it could work.

I wonder now if I should have just made a clean cut with him, instead of re-opening the festering relationship wound everytime we talked or hung out, kindling in me a tiny sense of hope. It would have been different, I think, if he was over me, too, but I don’t think he is. Almost every time we talk, he pines about how badly he treated me, how he should have done things different, etc. While I agree that he doesn’t have the best relationship or social skills in the world, I also felt like most of the stuff he did that drove us apart was out of his immediate control. Or things I did out of my control likewise. I’m not blaming him totally, after all.
Although I always enjoyed being with him.

I think the reason that people who break up get back together, and then break up again and continue the cycle over and over is this: When you aren’t dating someone, and you see your ex again, 1) you miss them and are probably lonely, so the familiarity issue is there 2) you fear, too late, that no one else may want you 3)Since you’re probably seeing them after a period of separation, faults and bad memories have faded, and you’re left with the original charm that drew you to that person, and you don’t see the agony that they will cause you if you are with them every minute of every day.

The third is often the most dangerous, because you’re only lying to yourself and ignoring all the warning signs that your brain is telling you in favor of your heart.

I think a successful way to help yourself get over someone is to make a list of things you hated about them and chant it over and over until it becomes a mantra.

Today, I got an email from him in a sing song, funny tone he always uses with me (oh! his sense of humor I absolutely adore) and it read, (and I paraphrase)

My parents had an intervention with me today.

He didn’t say why, but, knowing him, I know why. I know it’s petty and small of me to be airing my dirty laundry on and posting personal information about him on the internet, but reading that part of his email made me feel better somehow. And writing all this is making me feel better somehow. I am going to allow myself to feel a little selfish here in the name of Self-Preservation.

I remember why we broke up, I remember why I told him I’d never go back with him.

But, the rest is hard to forget…


Currently listening to: You in Reverse by Built to Spill


Written by pocheco

April 12, 2006 at 6:37 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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