Nonphenomenal Lineage

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three words that describe you

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as i’ve been living in las vegas over the past 5.5 months, i have really began to understand the phrase “start over”. things couldn’t have gone more differently than i had planned, here, in las vegas, and the last five months have been an anxious and sometimes hopeless stretch…

although i certainly don’t have a job that will pay me enough to live on my own yet (im living with my sister and her family), i do have a job now, and have some graphic design business going on the side. it’s keeping me so busy now that i almost feel like i’m wearing myself thin. 40 hours a week at the venetian and 25-35 hours a week doing graphic design stuff…i don’t know how long i can keep this up but at least i’m making some money now.

anyway, all that is old news. it’s been what i’ve been going on and on about in this blog for months now. during my first 3 (and roughest) months here, i was speaking to danny on a regular basis. i think we were both taking comfort in each other’s familiarity, as he is unhappy with his current situaiton in tulsa. he told me he loved me and that he wanted to move out here with me. at first, that sounded like a great idea, as he is the funniest, and one of the funnest, people that i know. i agreed, but for some small reason, i couldn’t get myself to tell him i loved him back.

well, that little hesitation on my part has grown over the last few months. i know danny still wants desperately to get out of tulsa, but i don’t know if i can love him again. i know things will never be the same as they once were; back when we were both so carefree and a few years less responsible.

i want to have him out here as a friend, but i told him one day that i didn’t think we should move in together right away. he was a little sad, but he said he understood. i’ve even told him not to move out here for me, but to let the school and the town and desert motivate him to move out here, with me being here only as a bonus.

that brings me back around to what i’ve learned from las vegas so far: i have had to start over in so many ways, i’m just now getting used to the feeling of everything being new and unfamiliar. although it hasn’t been easy, i feel that whatever i have, i deserve, and that i’ve had to work hard just to get this far in this town.

that feeling has started carrying over into other parts of my life, and i realize now that i owe it to myself to try a relationship with a different man before i go back to danny, (if ever). i’ve been trying to think of ways to tell this to danny. it almost feels like we have to break up all over again, although we haven’t been together for over 1.5 years now. i’m really worried about his reaction; i don’t want to crush him, because he is a dear friend. i just have come to the conclusion that i don’t need him as a boyfriend anymore, and really haven’t ever since we broke up.

it’s a good conclusion, and i feel pretty stable about it (for now). so i thought it would be good for me to meet some new men and possibly find someone to date so that i could get my mind off of danny.

i joined a free dating website with a friend of mine, and it’s been kind of a disappointment for me. although my friend found someone she really liked, which was great for her, i haven’t found anyone but big geeks or creepy men.

i keep going back to that site, tho, because i have fun answering the questions and taking the little personality tests and checking my compatibility with other people.

on saturday, i was cruising around the dating site again, looking at some local people. one person, in particular, caught my eye. i clicked to look at his profile, and it was mostly boring; he didn’t include any real information and worse yet, he said he didn’t really read books. that was such a turn off for me, but then, when i saw his picture up close, i had to reconsider our compatibility. i found him completely and utterly captivating.

i don’t have the slightest idea which attributes in men’s faces or bodies attract me. all i know is that i usually don’t pay much attention to physical features until i’ve had a conversation or two with a guy. i hardly ever walk down the street and notice whether or not men are alluring. it is so rare that i find someone i’m instantly and devastatingly attracted to, that when i saw this guy, i did a double-take. there were two pictures of him, and he was so what i wanted, but i couldn’t even explain why. not a particularly pretty or althletic guy, but something about the combination of his facial features triggered something ancient in the back of my mind.

i stared at him for a very very long time. then i wrote him a message. i didn’t know what to say, so i said something snarky and arrogant like “you’re really really hot. it’s a shame you don’t read books, i always thought it made a man interesting. well, we may not be interest compatible, but i wanted you to at least know that someone out there things you’re very good looking.” (wow, reading it again, now, i wonder if could i have been more insanely obnoxious?)

i then sent the message off, and got up to go out for a while. i left the house and started driving off to red rock, but i couldn’t get this dude’s face out of my mind. something about it was so mysterious and lovely. i kept thinking about him all the way to the canyon, and then back again, and then as soon as i got home, i was immediately back at my computer to check the dating website to see if he had emailed me back. he had not.

i took a shower and kept myself busy with my graphic design stuff and little mundane chores, checking back like every 15 minutes to see if he had written me back. the website said he hadn’t even logged on that day, so i relaxed a little.

meanwhile, i kept thinking about what little i had learned from his profile. when you sign up for your account on the dating website, you are asked to list three words that describe you. his had been “kind, loyal, affectionate”. the more i thought about those three words, the more i began to see them in his face as i continued to study his eyes and posture in the photographs.

after staring at him so long, and reading and re-reading his profile, however short it was, i began to develop a little lop-sided crush on him, and also began to kind of regret the snotty little “reading” comment i had made to him.

tuesday after work, i went to my computer as soon as i had gotten home from work, to check my date site mailbox. a couple of losers had emailed me, i ignored them. but he had not. i went to his profile to see if he had logged on, and he had, that day. which meant he must have read the email i sent to him.

i sighed, not knowing what to do or think. i needed something distracting, so i took this little personality test on the dating site, which, it figured out from a few questions and some giant alogrithym, albeit quite accurately, that i am one of those kinds of people that is prone to immediate and all-consuming crushes. crushes that come out of nowhere and become a focus point in my life for a few weeks, before fading off into nothingness again if they are not requited, but crushes that could be sparked again, in full fury, from the slightest little thing.

i spent most of my time last night designing again on my computer, and figuring out how to tell danny about my feelings, of course, all the while, i was checking my dating site mailbox to see if i had gotten an email from the gorgeous man. no emails. well, i figured, it’s probably because the combination of my profile and my mesasge came off as mean and rude.

perhaps in the first place, i wasn’t all that interested in meeting him, i just thought he was so good looking that i couldn’t resist telling him. however, after a few hours pondering his face and what i could gather about his life from the website, in addition to “kind, loyal, affectionate”, i had begun to see a whole different side of him in his picture. he looked no longer like a standoffish stranger, but more like someone who, like me, was probably lonely and terrified of other people.

i decided the email i had sent to him was a reaction to my ultimate fear of rejection: in order to protect myself in some small way, i had to blurt out some flaw of his, in this case it being that he didn’t read books, so that i could reject him before he rejected me. what a dumb, but reactionary trait that is for me. i do it a lot without even realizing it.

i decided that i would suck up my courage, and a little pride, and write him again, telling him that i was sorry that i was jerk, and hoping that perhaps he would talk to me. i went back to the website and clicked on his picture to bring up his mailbox so i could type him an email.

however, when i did this, it came up with a big circle with a line through it, saying he had deleted his profile. i stopped, blinked, stared, and reloaded the page, hoping that it was some server problem in the dating site. no luck. i tried again an hour later, and it still seemed deleted.

i couldn’t believe how sad it made me feel to never get the chance to really try to be nice to this guy. i wonder now why he deleted his profile; was it because he found a nice girl who didn’t berate him right off the bat? let’s hope that was the case. because i fear the alternative was that he was hoping to meet a nice girl and instead got bombarded with dumb-ass remarks like the one i made, and then gave up hope on the human (or at least dating) population. then deleted his account.

i went outside for a moment before i went to bed, and was listening to a keane song and staring at the sky. i couldn’t believe how sad i felt to know that i had seen something so beautiful and then had never gotten the chance to know it. or maybe i had the chance, but i screwed it up royally. something about that made me feel very lonely.

very, very lonely.



Written by pocheco

February 21, 2007 at 9:35 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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