nearly six months

the days and evenings seem to blend together and pass like frames through a projector. i can’t even believe how fast the last two months have gone by. weekends are the only thing that help me separate my life because they are the only interruption in the consuming work pace i have adopted lately.

i woke up this morning at six am to have a phone conference call with a client in boston. in my bleary sleepiness during the minutes preceeding the phone call i remembered that on the 15th of this month it will be half a year i have lived here. it’s already been 6 months since i left boston, on the 28th of september.

i have probably 30 days left here at taylor before they will decide if i become a permanent employee or not. i thought that, for a while, this job would be a great one for me to work for two years while i got my freelance business of the ground. however, i’m having second thoughts about it all now. the job is a bit tedious and the lack of any kind of natural daylight along with the constant stream of construction noise may eventually drive me crazy. finally having money is a relief, though. i haven’t felt this financially stable since august of last year.

but working this much has been hard. i hate the feeling of always having something over me that needs to be done. i kind of feel enslaved by the freelance work that i’ve been doing lately. i enjoy the results and the money and sometimes the designing part, but between all that lies a whole sea of tedium. i’m worried that, after a little over two months of doing this every night, that i’m already starting to get burnt out. it’s hard to come home from my job here at taylor only to begin my second job as a designer. it’s a lot of time in front of the computer. and i’ll tell you this: my body is starting to get very sluggish at the lack of exercise.

sometimes, the thought of having to do this for two or three years, every single day, while i build up enough of a clientele to quit my day job, is daunting. sometimes i feel like giving up, or trying to find an easier way. there may mot be, if i want to keep my car with the expensive car payment and if i want to pay off my school loans before i’m 35 (both of which i do).

not knowing where the money will come from can really wear you down. i’m slowly paying off my bills and switching my life over to las vegas from boston. things like registering your vehicle and buying state insurance can drag out into impossibly long ordeals when you work during the hours the dmv is open.

the harsh, panicky feeling that was squeezing my brain is beginning to lift, however, as i get to know the town better and get a better handle on my financial situation. i feel so much more lighthearted these days, and thankful that i’m able to pay my bills on time.

during that time of joblessness and anxiety, some change took place in the back of my mind. something that prompted me to feel a little more humble. something about suffering, anger and depression at the face of just about every situation/decision in my life has helped me forge a clearer sense of direction and purpose.

the tenuousness of my life used to worry me…like at any moment, i could lose my job and have to start this process all over again. but now, that doesn’t frighten me as much. i remember telling a friend of mine that working temp jobs was like going in circles: i had a little money for a while, but then when the job contract was over, and i would have a lull in work, i would go right back to being poor again. he told me not to think of that cycle as a circle, but rather as circling in a spiral around a mountain. when i arrived back at the same point in the circle i was before, i should look down, and i would see that even though it seemed like i was in the same place, i would notice that i was a little higher up the mountain than i was before.

i dream of the day when i no longer have to pay for my school loan and my car, and i finally have the ability to pay off my credit cards. that is going to be years away. i am still worried about starting my own graphic design business, although i’ve had so much work lately i’ve been forced to turn some of it away. i’ve almost completely paid off my new computer with the money i’ve gotten so far. it’s a nice feeling.

suzanne and jay have been kind to me; never pressuring me to move out or find a better-paying job. and i don’t know if i’m ready to move out yet. i still need a few more months in this town before i’m able to claim a piece of it for myself. this is a big, scary mobster town sometimes. there is plenty of money to be had out here, but finding your little slice is tricky.

the only thing i really need in my life that i don’t have now is silence. over the past two years, living with roommates that were often gone, i had gotten used to peace and solitude. i have had so little of that since i’ve been here. i can’t tell if it’s made me better or bitter. nearly six months of constant, a-rhythmic, shrill noise might be possibly the worst thing i’ve had to endure since moving here. and it’s not just at home. it’s drilling and sawing and pounding here at work, too.

that’s why i’m so happy to have red rock. it’s one of the quiestest places i can go. the weather is starting to warm up here in nevada, so i’ve started my little ritual of heading out to red rock every weekend again. i love it.

this weekend, andrea, some friends and i are going on a much-anticipated first camping trip of the season. i haven’t been camping since october, and i’m truly looking forward to getting back to the valley of fire and campfire and that lovely feeling of drinking a beer in the desert. i have to watch out for scorpions, tho.

progress here has been slow, but steady. las vegas and i are still on acquaintence’s terms. i miss boston like i miss an old friend. i think of the streets and the places and the people and i melt just a little. however, i am happy to be out of the cold!

my cousin vinessa just had a baby boy a week or so ago. we’re the same age, and we grew up together like sisters. i am sorry that i can’t make it out there to see her or meet her boy. it’s weird when people your age start to have kids. you feel older.

i bought a french press for coffee yesterday. best purchase in a while! it makes absolutely delicious coffee.

i finally told danny that i don’t love him anymore. i tried to be nice about, but it came out sounding weird and he got all defensive and we haven’t talked since. i hope will be able to someday, tho. i felt like shit after telling him that night, but at least i don’t have to do it anymore. and i will admit him knowing makes me feel a little more free.

i guess that’s all for now.

——
currently listening to Neon Bible by Arcade Fire

Yup.